my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
