i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
