first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
