I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
