dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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