There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize