Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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