I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
