"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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