Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
