Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
