my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
found the other keg... it's in the tree
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
