The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
