Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
not ubering you a puppy
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
