we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
