I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
