There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
