remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
