Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i would one night stand the shit outta him
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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