yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
