We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize