I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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