this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Mom said you looked used
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
