i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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