this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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