Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
