who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
