My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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