thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
cat food counts as protein by the way
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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