Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
