you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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