I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
