Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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