well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
