i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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