my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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