Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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