You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
