i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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