I think I died a long time ago.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
