Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize