Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
