she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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