This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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