Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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