I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
