So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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