I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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