can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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