Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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