I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
