im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
