I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
