she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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