i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
